Guiltless Rants is a web journal of Jasel Uy who hails from Cebu City. She is a nurse, banker, sister, daughter and wife, storyteller, and wanna-be-writer. But of the many roles she plays, let's not forget that she is only just a girl. She makes mistakes and corrects them. She hastily decides on one thing and regrets it the next day. But she is learning cos she is a work in progress.
i normally don't blog my everyday happiness but today is an exception. first, because i can't shout it out on facebook (babbs deactivated it, arrghh). second, i just really want to post what's happening in my almost charmed life (:
happiness is..
2 kinds of ice cream- i pass by the supermarket today to buy milk and surprisingly i discovered that there was spare cash in my cardigan. what's a better way to spend a lost and found bill? ice cream of course! i chose vanilla and chocolate so i can put it in my milk later!
happiness is..
getting to sleep the exact number of hours you want in a day. i kinda believe that i have this undiagnosed sleeping problem and i don't get to sleep as much as i want to because i wake up prematurely, every time. but today i was in deep sleep and peaceful at that until the familiar ringtone on my phone sounded to wake me up for study. i think this milk therapy is working.
happiness is..
having a friend like jp. i just wish i can disclose whatever it is that he helped me with today but i think that's too risky to mention so i better keep it to myself (: jp is that kind of friend you will meet once in your lifetime. he is like a kindred spirit. and if ever you still try to grasp the whole point of what he did (haaha) just think 'BDO'-- he finds ways! i can't wait to see those pink VACS on my timeline (:
sorry gotta use this again for the lack of a more decent pic!
look at me i'm 23 beautiful a sight to see tonight ♪♫ i know i am more than a kid but there are still things i am afraid of. and i know that i am a legend in progress (ahemm) but for now, i can't help it-- i still freak out whenever i am faced with my fears, these evils i am still trying (and will forever try) to overcome.
1. cockroaches! (esp the flying kind)
-there is this one anecdote i will never forget back in hs.i lived in a dormitory and that place was not your typical-hygienic-comf'table living quarter.we are not to be blamed because we were teeners then and crushes and sports and physics were far more important than cleanliness (eww!) so i have this classmate (which luckily was not my room mate) who never failed to have food in reserve everywhere.she kept them in her locker, in her bags, and yes on her bed.one time, it was minutes before lights off when her scream echoed the whole dormitory because a cockroach had interested on her junks and guess what?..(i know this is horrible) that cockroach went inside her left ear!! yaykks! when she tried to let it out, that lil scary monster flew around their room for 2 mins then finally went out to continue to fly around the hallway where we were hanging out to study.i literally jumped off from my plastic chair and shouted more than anyone else.
2. crossing the street
-i have 2 near street accidents in grade school.luckily, my guardian angel stopped the car just in time to protect the not-so-careful me! despite that, i can still vividly remember the nervousness i felt in those 2 incidents.i know i had ice chills running down my spine and my heart was throbbing like it was about to explode literally.from the normal lubb-dubb, it went a crazy boom-boom-boom! and realizing that now, i guess the reason why i can't get over that fear is because i never tried telling andy or mama or any adult at that time because more than anything, i was afraid of being scold for carelessness :(
3. needles and the like! (and i took nursing at that)
-admitted because of hypokalemia, i embarrassed myself at the ER more than once because of being a cry-baby over needles and IV's.hypokalemia is when the potassium level in our bodies deplete and it is very important to replenish it asap or else, the heart, kidney and our muscles in general would cease to function.i was to have an IV whether i like it not or i like it not! *lol** it took 3 nurses and 3 screams before the IV was put in place. it maybe psychological in nature or i may just have really low pain threshold, needles will never be a good experience for me.
4. getting lost
-it is very important for me to have a personal guide and a map whenever i go and check out a new place.generally, it will take me 4 or 5 times to go back and forth from point A to B before i can go there alone.yes, i am a self-confessed no sense of direction.apparently, being in an unfamiliar territory still gives me a knot in my tummy.
5. death
-you know how people say you have to live your life each day as if it is your last? even if i try hard to do that, i'm still afraid to die. it's not an everyday thought but sometimes when i'm alone i think of death and it frightens me. there are a lot of things i still need to prove, tasks i need to accomplish, and dreams i need to fulfill. if we were given the chance to know when the inevitable would come and take us i know i will beg for another chance at life. i had my chance of pain and heartaches and mishaps but i rather experience it than not feel it at all.
i want to be bold and strong and fearless (i'm a legend in progress, remember?). and these 5 things are just few of my many other weaknesses. when my rational mind takes over, i realize how stupid these phobias are. but i know too that no matter how insane and weak these things make me look, these are the very things that make me human! i wonder how the world would turn out if no one is afraid of anything. it wouldn't be as thrilling and exciting as it is now perhaps. so yes, we are all superhumans in our own right and we may get embarrassed for the phobias we have but remember that life is better this way! superman ain't superman without his kryptonite! x
i have been into an emotional and psychological struggle lately.yes, i know people around wouldn't believe that i still go through a hell lot of struggles because i mastered putting up a good front.i could still muster a smile outside especially when i'm at the office or i'm with colleagues because i don't really want to share negative vibes as much as possible.so, if i can still hold it all together, i will.that's just me, you know.
so yes, i have a lot on my plate these days.the upcoming board exams, my career, my family, my relationships, and just about every little thing that mattered to me.everything seemed to be crashing down on me and added to that ordeal, i'm hurting and trying to mend a broken heart.(that's because i never learned) and yes, i'm feeling empty and inadequate altogether.i know that for the past years, my faith has taken a backseat and i think days like these are perfect opportunities to grasp what's really missing.
i have been raised in a conservative christian home.and back in the day, my mom and dad would not allow a day to pass by without reminding us to talk to God.they have been very consistent about it and it's one of those things i will always miss them most.when things are crumbling down it wasn't so difficult to fix back then because there was always mom or dad to remind me.
right now, it's different because i have to realize that on my own.i know i have not been really faithful to my God and it makes me feel awful.not 1 million gummy bears could make it feel any better.the good thing though is that, even if i haven't been faithful, he remains faithful to me! i realize that he is still the same God i prayed to when i needed the confidence for my first piano recital.he is the same God, i pleaded to take away the pain when i had the worst chickenpox in the world.he is the same God i haggled with to give me a baby brother because it was what my dad wanted.
bottomline is, no pistaschio ice cream, no gummy bear, no frosty chocolate cake, no chicken wings (although it's better when there is), no comfort food at all can make me feel better unless i rekindle that little faith in me-- believing that there is some BIG GUY up there who watches and does things that would either better me or mold me into the kind of 'hearty' HE always wants me to be.so there's no heartache or struggle too big without me overcoming it!
