i have been into an emotional and psychological struggle lately.yes, i know people around wouldn't believe that i still go through a hell lot of struggles because i mastered putting up a good front.i could still muster a smile outside especially when i'm at the office or i'm with colleagues because i don't really want to share negative vibes as much as possible.so, if i can still hold it all together, i will.that's just me, you know.
so yes, i have a lot on my plate these days.the upcoming board exams, my career, my family, my relationships, and just about every little thing that mattered to me.everything seemed to be crashing down on me and added to that ordeal, i'm hurting and trying to mend a broken heart.(that's because i never learned) and yes, i'm feeling empty and inadequate altogether.i know that for the past years, my faith has taken a backseat and i think days like these are perfect opportunities to grasp what's really missing.
i have been raised in a conservative christian home.and back in the day, my mom and dad would not allow a day to pass by without reminding us to talk to God.they have been very consistent about it and it's one of those things i will always miss them most.when things are crumbling down it wasn't so difficult to fix back then because there was always mom or dad to remind me.
right now, it's different because i have to realize that on my own.i know i have not been really faithful to my God and it makes me feel awful.not 1 million gummy bears could make it feel any better.the good thing though is that, even if i haven't been faithful, he remains faithful to me! i realize that he is still the same God i prayed to when i needed the confidence for my first piano recital.he is the same God, i pleaded to take away the pain when i had the worst chickenpox in the world.he is the same God i haggled with to give me a baby brother because it was what my dad wanted.
bottomline is, no pistaschio ice cream, no gummy bear, no frosty chocolate cake, no chicken wings (although it's better when there is), no comfort food at all can make me feel better unless i rekindle that little faith in me-- believing that there is some BIG GUY up there who watches and does things that would either better me or mold me into the kind of 'hearty' HE always wants me to be.so there's no heartache or struggle too big without me overcoming it!
this song spoke to my heart :)
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